One Year Later

I've been debating whether or not to write this post.  Whether or not to share this stuff.  But the internal debate pushed me to two answers: I deserve to write it, hear it, read it.  And there are others who deserve to read it, too.

What a difference a year makes! 
Tomorrow, July 9, 2012, my baby turns two.  We celebrated over the 4th holiday with family, and we will have a small celebration tomorrow, but I will never forget last year's celebration.  I didn't celebrate.  Please don't read this wrong.  I wanted to celebrate, but instead I found myself standing in a corner, tears running down my face, trying to navigate the changes, "the sickness," in my life that had claimed every piece of me.  Thanks to my parents, there was a cake for Claire's 1st Birthday.  There were presents.  But there was nothing from me.

Back up a few days before that to July 4th, 2011.  Jared and I, with the girls in the back-seat, were driving home from Logan following the Hyrum parade.  I should have been happy.  I should have been relaxed.  I should have been tired.  Instead, I was making what you might call an "exit strategy."  Yes, it's what you are thinking.  No, I wasn't exiting alone.

That "sickness" that consumed me: I couldn't eat.  I couldn't be happy.  I couldn't relax.  I couldn't sleep.

Have you ever read the "Twilight" series?  Ok, now don't judge me.  I have, and I only bring it up now as a point of reference.  If you have read it, you'll know what I'm talking about.  In the second book, "New Moon," Edward leaves Bella.  For several months she is stricken with pain.  Literal pain.  She describes it as not being able to breathe, her arms wrapped around her waist wishing the pain away, and gasping for air.  That was me.  I guess it's not just in books.  Fortunately for me, Jared didn't go anywhere.  Fortunately for me, he stayed by my side.  Fortunately for me, he, along with a few others, put a stop to my "exit strategy."

July 5, 2011, my mom moved in and took over where I couldn't, I wouldn't.  She took care of my children, fed my family, did the laundry, cleaned the house, forced me out of it, and loved me despite how horrible I was.

July 5, 2011, my sister made the phone-calls to the doctors I couldn't, I wouldn't.  She drove me to my appointments.  She loved me, despite how horrible I was.

July 5, 2011, my dad gave me a father's blessing, and took over my finances knowing I couldn't handle the stress, and knew Jared needed to spend that extra attention on me.


July 5, 2011, my husband took on more than his fair share.  Loving my children when I wanted to so desperately, but just wanted to hide, overcome with fear.  He is the better half.  He is the husband other women dream of, the father every kid wants, and the friend I could never be without.

What a difference year makes!
There was no "exit."  I'm happy, joyful, stressed, tired, listening to music again, laughing with my kids, enjoying my job, relishing in the goodness of those "true" friends who have never left my side, crying, yelling, eating, sleeping, and living.

July 4, 2012, we went to Logan again to spend time with my family and enjoy the Hyrum Parade.  Joy isn't the right word(s): fun, hot, silly, relaxing, and with my wonderful family.  I was missing my parents and my sister who lives in Australia, but I couldn't help and think about them that day (all day) and know if it wasn't for them I wouldn't have been there for that day.


The "sickness" is still around, and every once in a while catches me off-guard.  But I'm a fighter.  Those who know me best, know just how stubborn I am.  Know how I refuse to give up.  Know I have an independence that defines a big part of my life.  For a while those traits were recessive.  I'm glad to report they are back, and just as annoying as they were before.

Why?  How?  "Exiting" wasn't the answer.  These wonderful faces, and people in my life are the answers to the questions under the stars.

World's Best Nanny (with the cutest kids possible!)

This has to be seen by all!  We have the world's greatest nanny.  We love her, the girls ADORE her, and they can't get enough of her.

Just to prove how great she is - here is a video she put together with my little "Chipettes"

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cqUVY7FCTis&feature=youtu.be

Watch it, and you'll fall as madly in love with these kids as we are!

Thank-you Denise - you have no idea what you mean to us.
(Isn't she gorgeous!)

Gratitude

It's Easter Sunday, and I have much to be grateful for. Namely, my Savior. I'll be honest and say I haven't reflected enough on the blessings that I know come from above. So I offer up that prayer of "gratitude" now. I'm grateful for such an awesome husband who I know loves me just as much. And "love" isn't a strong enough word for the three spirits I've been charged to raise with Jared.

Recently someone challenged me to find "gratitude" in what you are least grateful for at the moment. Write five things down about that thing, where people can see them, and make sure to reflect upon that gratitude. I can put the list on the refrigerator, on my mirror - or on this blog.

So - today I was complaining about working on Easter Sunday. Then multiple problems popped up at work, and I found myself complaining more.

A-ha! Something for my "gratitude" list.

Let me say first, I am very grateful for my job. I love what I do, and I'm blessed to be able to have this job, this career. And let me also quiet the nay-sayers right now. No, I'm not brown-nosing to my bosses. I'm sure there will be "gratitude" lists that pop up in the future reminding myself how lucky I am to have three crazy, whacky, gorgeous and fun little girls.

So here they are. Five reasons I'm grateful for my job. I could ramble off a gazillion, but today these popped out at me.

#1 Underground parking. This is awesome both summer and winter. And also fantastic when some nights I leave work close to midnight. I walk by a security guard, into a well-lit parking garage and make it safely to my car. Thank-you underground parking.




#2 Inspirational thoughts in the elevators. KSL shares that parking garage with the LDS Business College. Everyday, after parking in that underground garage, I take an elevator up to the newsroom. Quotes like this one, and others, take my mind away from the things of this world for that 15 second elevator ride. The quotes change frequently, sometimes every day. So, thank-you, inspirational quotes and to the person who takes the time to put them there.



#3 Free Soda! Ok, so I know how bad this one is for me. But when darkness enveloped my life last summer the caffeine was the only thing that kept me going. I was new at KSL, I was sick, and CocaCola helped. But it's not just the free soda. It's the awesome ice, too. You know, the crunchy, balls of ice that make beverages of any kind taste better (somehow.) And it get's better. The Triad Center, home of Deseret Mutual (the bigger picture of KSL) has these soda fountains on three different floors of the eight-story building - all offering different choices. Oh, thank-you free soda.



#4 Great co-workers. This is just a small taste. A very small taste. It is, after-all, Easter Sunday. On a typical day you would find 75+ journalists all working towards the same cause. Courtney, Mark, Keith and Sandra were here with me this Easter Sunday. I can say with honesty that I enjoy working with everyone in this newsroom. And there is something different about the culture in this newsroom compared to other places I have worked. Maybe it's the Mormon thing, but I'm not so sure because a lot of the people here aren't LDS. A few years back USA Today did a study on "Swearing in the Newsroom." The results were that swearing was cathartic, and good to do. I'm not saying a few foul words don't slip out every-once-in-a-while here, but for the most part it is a positive and uplifting place to work. In fact, I'm convinced it's not the "Mormon" thing. It's that we are all adults. So, thank-you great co-workers (in this picture) and the many others who surround me every week.



#5 Alex Cabrerro. Now typically I don't like singling people out, but if you don't know Alex Cabrerro you are lacking a great friend. He's the equivalent of the "class clown" in the newsroom, and I mean that in the best way. Don't leave your computer un-locked if you walk away from it - even for just a few minutes. You'll come back to a screen-saver photo of you being photo-shopped into a loving embrace with Warren Jeffs. He always has a smile on his face. If we're short photographers he will gladly grab a camera and shoot his own story. And I'm probably the biggest fan of his story-telling. So, thank-you Alex Cabrerro for always being my friend, taking time to talk to me, getting to know me, and being willing to have fun in a place where stress levels are often running high. You are one-in-a-million.

Sliver of Sun

Lately I've been searching for my "Sliver of Sun."

It seems no matter where it is in the house the cats and dog hunt it down. It could be no wider than a good book, they'll find it. If the sun moves, they move. If the sun goes away, they find warmth somewhere else.

A long, long time ago... when I was young... when I never lost sight of the "sun" I would warm in it just like the cats and the dog. The best day to do this was on Sunday. I would come home from church, eat lunch with my family (always with my family) and then put on my most comfortable sweats. Then I would find it, that sliver of sun. Usually it was in the family room. I didn't need a pillow. I didn't need a blanket. All I needed was that "Sliver of Sun" and I would relax, doze, and soak up that sun.

Sometimes I'll walk through my house and walk through a sliver of sun. The warmth only lasts an instant, but when I look around the cat isn't far. He has found it, and I wish I could take the time to stop and soak up some of that sun. But the house isn't clean. The laundry isn't done. The kids are hungry. I'm running late for work. What's for dinner? I still need to exercise.

There is always a reason, an excuse why I can't make time for that "Sliver of Sun."

A long, long time ago... when I was young I always made time for the "sun." Of course, I didn't have as many excuses back then, but even when my plate was full my cup always "runneth over." Perhaps it was because every morning, before the sun was even up, I went to seminary to "warm in a sliver of sun." Perhaps it was because every Sunday, with my family, I "warmed in a sliver of sun" at church followed by a family meal. Perhaps it was because I made finding the "sun" a priority, and not something I would do if there was time.

Now I'm a grown-up. If this is what you call being a grown-up. With two working parents, family meals are rare, and rushed. Church is Jared wrestling three little girls through 3 hours all alone, and me breaking away from work to visit a different ward - with no family. There are no Sunday afternoon naps. (Who are we kidding? There are NO naps!)

I've realized that I'm rushing to get through every day that I've been overlooking and neglecting those "Slivers of Sun." But one hit me so warmly today it could not be ignored. A sweet message on a mini Etch-a-Sketch. "I love mommy." Ahhh, sun. I stood for a moment, staring at it, soaking in it, actually pausing to enjoy the warmth.

Yes, I need to search for more "sun" in my scriptures and prayer. Even just writing those words I feel the warmth. But there are so many "Slivers of Sun" in my life every day: Jared kissing me goodbye in the morning, Ella lovingly protecting her baby sister, Abbigail singing primary songs and getting most of the words right, and Claire - all I need is her smile. It's so freely given.

Those "Slivers of Sun" are so unconditionally given. In fact, they aren't slivers at all. I'm drenched in sun-light. All I have to do is recognize what He has given me, stand in that sun, and I'll never have to search for it again.

Of course, it will still be a long time until I get that nap.