One Year Later

I've been debating whether or not to write this post.  Whether or not to share this stuff.  But the internal debate pushed me to two answers: I deserve to write it, hear it, read it.  And there are others who deserve to read it, too.

What a difference a year makes! 
Tomorrow, July 9, 2012, my baby turns two.  We celebrated over the 4th holiday with family, and we will have a small celebration tomorrow, but I will never forget last year's celebration.  I didn't celebrate.  Please don't read this wrong.  I wanted to celebrate, but instead I found myself standing in a corner, tears running down my face, trying to navigate the changes, "the sickness," in my life that had claimed every piece of me.  Thanks to my parents, there was a cake for Claire's 1st Birthday.  There were presents.  But there was nothing from me.

Back up a few days before that to July 4th, 2011.  Jared and I, with the girls in the back-seat, were driving home from Logan following the Hyrum parade.  I should have been happy.  I should have been relaxed.  I should have been tired.  Instead, I was making what you might call an "exit strategy."  Yes, it's what you are thinking.  No, I wasn't exiting alone.

That "sickness" that consumed me: I couldn't eat.  I couldn't be happy.  I couldn't relax.  I couldn't sleep.

Have you ever read the "Twilight" series?  Ok, now don't judge me.  I have, and I only bring it up now as a point of reference.  If you have read it, you'll know what I'm talking about.  In the second book, "New Moon," Edward leaves Bella.  For several months she is stricken with pain.  Literal pain.  She describes it as not being able to breathe, her arms wrapped around her waist wishing the pain away, and gasping for air.  That was me.  I guess it's not just in books.  Fortunately for me, Jared didn't go anywhere.  Fortunately for me, he stayed by my side.  Fortunately for me, he, along with a few others, put a stop to my "exit strategy."

July 5, 2011, my mom moved in and took over where I couldn't, I wouldn't.  She took care of my children, fed my family, did the laundry, cleaned the house, forced me out of it, and loved me despite how horrible I was.

July 5, 2011, my sister made the phone-calls to the doctors I couldn't, I wouldn't.  She drove me to my appointments.  She loved me, despite how horrible I was.

July 5, 2011, my dad gave me a father's blessing, and took over my finances knowing I couldn't handle the stress, and knew Jared needed to spend that extra attention on me.


July 5, 2011, my husband took on more than his fair share.  Loving my children when I wanted to so desperately, but just wanted to hide, overcome with fear.  He is the better half.  He is the husband other women dream of, the father every kid wants, and the friend I could never be without.

What a difference year makes!
There was no "exit."  I'm happy, joyful, stressed, tired, listening to music again, laughing with my kids, enjoying my job, relishing in the goodness of those "true" friends who have never left my side, crying, yelling, eating, sleeping, and living.

July 4, 2012, we went to Logan again to spend time with my family and enjoy the Hyrum Parade.  Joy isn't the right word(s): fun, hot, silly, relaxing, and with my wonderful family.  I was missing my parents and my sister who lives in Australia, but I couldn't help and think about them that day (all day) and know if it wasn't for them I wouldn't have been there for that day.


The "sickness" is still around, and every once in a while catches me off-guard.  But I'm a fighter.  Those who know me best, know just how stubborn I am.  Know how I refuse to give up.  Know I have an independence that defines a big part of my life.  For a while those traits were recessive.  I'm glad to report they are back, and just as annoying as they were before.

Why?  How?  "Exiting" wasn't the answer.  These wonderful faces, and people in my life are the answers to the questions under the stars.